I'm not too excited this morning. A little depressed actually. I am just wondering: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!?? I just don't get it. WHY am I so obsessed with weight loss. Yeah, I KNOW I need to lose about 30 pounds. But this is driving me insane! I think about losing weight 90% of the time. As I'm going to sleep, I try to think of ways to lose. I wake up and the first thing on my mind is what can I do today to try to lose. All day... even during the busiest times at work, the thoughts are there. I'm sitting there freaking out about how busy we are, and yet I manage to sneak in a thought or two about what I should and shouldn't eat. I mean really, I KNOW that's not normal!! I hate it! I hate having this constant turmoil in my brain. If the obsession worked, and I was actually ABLE to lose weight, that would be one thing. But all I do is think about it.
I try to lose weight, but it just WON'T come off!! I've tried so much, that every time I try something new, people actually laugh at me and think its all just a joke. I totally understand why. But deep down it hurts so bad. I've cried so much over this.Its not just an outside issue for me. It is a deep pain in my heart and soul. I guess people who don't have the same issue as me just don't understand. Theres been moments where we are at get togethers, and random people make a comment about my weight, I seriously have to leave the room right then and there so that they won't see me cry. Theres been moments where I can't leave, so I have to just smile and pretend I think they're comment is funny, when deep down I am just SO hurt. Why can't people understand that?? Why do people think its all fun and games when they ask (out of no where) "did you gain weight?" or "Are you pregnant?" (when they know perfectly well that I am NOT). My husbands aunts do this to me all the time. They have nothing else to talk to me about, so the only subject is ALWAYS my weight. Its like seriously, after 10 years of being around me, they would find something else to talk about. But no. Its always how big I get. Drives me crazy! Its makes a HUGE difference thought that my husband is so supportive! If he notices someone commenting on my weight, he always jumps in and either shuts them up or stands up to them in my defense. I am SOO thankful for him!!
I really should write a summary of everything that I have tried so far... it is such a crazy, exhausting list. If only you knew how much diet "equipment" I have spent money on. Its INSANE!!! I've gone through so much, and I've lost basically NOTHING expect my time... this is all just so frustrating. My life is absolutely PERFECT except for this one thing! I could not have asked for a better life, and I am SO thankful to GOD for everything... this weight loss thing is like a thorn. Its painful, annoying, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get rid of it. But I guess if I was as skinny as I want to be... then life would be TOO perfect.
I don't mean to rant and rave... well, actually, I do. I think its time I "vented". This is actually making me feel a lot better. I think this is the one aspect of my life where I do NOT have peace. It just constantly bothers me. Even my kids are aware of my continuous struggle. We sit down at the table for dinner and they ask me "mommy, are you still on a diet?" "What is it this time that you can't eat?" Or if we go somewhere, and I pile on my plate, they check it out and ask "aren't you NOT supposed to eat that?" Wow.. writing this down is opening up my eyes. Its like I'm crazy or something.
Ok. well. I feel a little better having gotten this out in the open. To those of you who write encouraging "notes" to me (either by text, email, or any other way) THANK YOU! You do NOT know how uplifting it is to me!! Makes a HUGE difference!!
So here is my weigh in this past Thursday morning (April 29th)... AFTER we spent that weekend at the hotel mainly relaxing and eating...
Also, I wanted to post a few pix to show you how it is that I look at my current weight... You can not imagine how terrifying this is for me to do. To actually post a picture ABOUT my fat. Normally, I only take pictures at certain angles so that I look thinner. But not these. This is the REAL me in about as tight of clothes as I have.. but do NOT wear without my "fat hiders"... ugh... this is embarrassing!!
This post feels like therapy. I've vented all my feelings, I've cried, I've had my hopes lifted, I've faced my fear of "exposing" my true fat self.. all while writing this..
I try to lose weight, but it just WON'T come off!! I've tried so much, that every time I try something new, people actually laugh at me and think its all just a joke. I totally understand why. But deep down it hurts so bad. I've cried so much over this.Its not just an outside issue for me. It is a deep pain in my heart and soul. I guess people who don't have the same issue as me just don't understand. Theres been moments where we are at get togethers, and random people make a comment about my weight, I seriously have to leave the room right then and there so that they won't see me cry. Theres been moments where I can't leave, so I have to just smile and pretend I think they're comment is funny, when deep down I am just SO hurt. Why can't people understand that?? Why do people think its all fun and games when they ask (out of no where) "did you gain weight?" or "Are you pregnant?" (when they know perfectly well that I am NOT). My husbands aunts do this to me all the time. They have nothing else to talk to me about, so the only subject is ALWAYS my weight. Its like seriously, after 10 years of being around me, they would find something else to talk about. But no. Its always how big I get. Drives me crazy! Its makes a HUGE difference thought that my husband is so supportive! If he notices someone commenting on my weight, he always jumps in and either shuts them up or stands up to them in my defense. I am SOO thankful for him!!
I really should write a summary of everything that I have tried so far... it is such a crazy, exhausting list. If only you knew how much diet "equipment" I have spent money on. Its INSANE!!! I've gone through so much, and I've lost basically NOTHING expect my time... this is all just so frustrating. My life is absolutely PERFECT except for this one thing! I could not have asked for a better life, and I am SO thankful to GOD for everything... this weight loss thing is like a thorn. Its painful, annoying, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get rid of it. But I guess if I was as skinny as I want to be... then life would be TOO perfect.
I don't mean to rant and rave... well, actually, I do. I think its time I "vented". This is actually making me feel a lot better. I think this is the one aspect of my life where I do NOT have peace. It just constantly bothers me. Even my kids are aware of my continuous struggle. We sit down at the table for dinner and they ask me "mommy, are you still on a diet?" "What is it this time that you can't eat?" Or if we go somewhere, and I pile on my plate, they check it out and ask "aren't you NOT supposed to eat that?" Wow.. writing this down is opening up my eyes. Its like I'm crazy or something.
Ok. well. I feel a little better having gotten this out in the open. To those of you who write encouraging "notes" to me (either by text, email, or any other way) THANK YOU! You do NOT know how uplifting it is to me!! Makes a HUGE difference!!
Also, I wanted to post a few pix to show you how it is that I look at my current weight... You can not imagine how terrifying this is for me to do. To actually post a picture ABOUT my fat. Normally, I only take pictures at certain angles so that I look thinner. But not these. This is the REAL me in about as tight of clothes as I have.. but do NOT wear without my "fat hiders"... ugh... this is embarrassing!!
This post feels like therapy. I've vented all my feelings, I've cried, I've had my hopes lifted, I've faced my fear of "exposing" my true fat self.. all while writing this..
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Good job Anna, don't give up, and keep on trying.
People who gave up became huge fat blobs, and you look amazing considering your weight and health issues. So, don't worry, just be calm and strong at the same time :)
Annichka!! I Luva ya!! I think you are SOOO beautiful!! Yea I knw you hate this weight issue, but atleast youre beautiful!! Imagine how hard it is for people that are SERIOUSLY UGLY! I think THAT is worse!! So you should thank God for your beautifulness and your kind heart!! And I think you worying about your weight so much is whats making it hard to come off!! We shud do some group excercises together, like ZUMBA :-) I wana get in shape, and would love to do it with a beautiful sister in law like you!! Im so grateful you are in our life! You arent as big as you think! After i read the last paragraph before seeing ur pic, i wasnt sure myself what id see lol,because of how u phrased it, but when i did see the pics, i was like WHAT? SHES WAY OVER THINKING ABOUT THIS THING!!! So CALM DOWN, and take this in.. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! PPL LOVE YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND SWEETNESS!!! Dont stress yourself so much over this issue!! I think the best advice i knw of, (which i myself cant seem to stick to..) is to LIMIT your food, and especially WHAT you eat!! BREAD LOVES OUR FATTY AREAS!! :-) And we both like it, i know!! :-) heheh.. well, i just wanted to share this with you before i go to bed, i luv ya, and thanks for being amazing! seriusly! I mean it from my heart! THANKS!! BE STRONG!!
X0X0
First off i want to say i am sorry if i have EVER said anything about your weight. Honestly i know that i dont...i think you look good the way you are, i never knew you thought like this.. i am sorry you had to struggle thru things like this. you are my sister and i would stand up for you even if meant having ppl start talking about me, i dont care.. I really wish you get what you want n hopefuly it doesnt change you into someone your not. it happens alot. ive seen it alot.. like for example someone i know use to be big, n always covered up her body but once she got skinny n the body she wanted, she is hardly covered up, n she has changed n not the to the better way. i know your different.. I WISH YOU TH BEST THRU THIS. I HOPE EVERYONE THAT PICKS ON YOU WILL JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE.. no one is perfect.. but honestly you look good...
i love you..
im proud of you being my sister..
God Bless YOu thru this...
Oh!! Thank you all so much!! Your words are very sweet!!
Marina, I know what you are talking about. Sometimes, I actually do think that maybe God is preventing me from becoming super skinny because He ALONE knows how I'll be.... and I don't want to change... I just want to be skinny lol